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Eris Index's avatar

Fav lines: “Rain meant she could work in peace with nothing but the sound of water on metal and the quiet hum of her tools.”

I wish I were there, hearing the rain pitter-patter against the metal roof. Honestly, everything around this sentence was poetic prose, and it read super smooth.

Her cybernetic left arm moved with precision—servo motors whispering beneath synthetic skin, fingers that could crush steel or thread a needle depending on what she asked of them. She’d built this arm herself.

Me: raises an arm and contemplates the possibility that some black-market doctor could perform the surgery. Really enjoyed the visual this gave of our character.

Favorite Scene:

Outside, the rain intensified. Thunder rolled somewhere in the distance, echoing through the Lower Spiral’s narrow streets. Ripley stood, stretching muscles that had been locked in the same position for too long. Her back protested. Her knees protested. She ignored them both.

This one, because I love storms. We just had a bad one last night, and our internet is on dial-up right now because of it. Anyway, you did great using descriptive details here. I lived in it, for sure.

He looked terrible. His face was bruised, one eye swollen. Blood—or something that looked like blood—streaked his temple. His usual cocky grin was gone, replaced by something Ripley had never seen on him before.

Fear.

“Rip.” His voice crackled with static, but it was him. Definitely him. “If you’re seeing this, I’m—” He glanced over his shoulder at something outside the projection’s frame. “I’m in trouble. Delta-level trouble.”

Okay, the story picked up tremendously in this part for me. It was the hook, line, and sinker for me to finish, and I was invested. I really wanted to know if they were still alive, or what was going down.

Overall, the middle and end had me hooked.

Question: Where did you get the idea for the synthetic arm?

“He reached toward the camera, and Ripley saw his hand shaking.

“Help me, Rip.”

The projection cut out.”

Forgot to add this part earlier!! Way to hook the freaking reader!

Eris Index's avatar

Oh, yay. I've read this one!

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